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The World According to the Nutty Professor...
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Nutty Prof Does the Blog Thing!
The views and opinions expressed here are that of the Nutty Professor and not necessarily the views of Stevenage VW club or it's members. The Nutty Prof is however a member of SVWC.
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Monday 14th January 08
Resolutions
Christmas is now behind us and soon it will be a distant memory. Was it fun? Was is all you wished for? Did Santa bring you everything you wanted? If you're anything like me, Christmas consists of eating and drinking too much and lots of feeling like you missed it! A massive build up and panic to get everything ready of the big day and then it's gone in the blink of an eye and you fail to find a reason for all the fuss.
The next hurdle is New Year. I've never really been one to set New Years resolutions, but this year there are several that I think I need to stick with. Firstly is exercise! During 2007 I exercised in the for of swimming twice a week. This stopped in mid September after a trip to the US, so I decided to start the New Year early and went swimming last Friday,
The good news was I was one of three people in the whole pool. This is no doubt the lull before the storm as half the population of middle England elects to have £45 per month taken from their bank account for something they'll never use.
The bad news was the sudden realisation that having swam ten lengths I was nearer to cardiac arrest than ever before. I had not realised just how unfit I had become in such a small space of time. Earlier in the year I could happily complete 60 lengths without even thinking about it, but the chance of getting to 30 was slim. So what has happened.
As I made my way home, I realised that maybe, just maybe I had finally hit the stage in my life where I actually need to exercise or I'll turn into a fat couch potato aiming for an early grave. And with a family medical history of more heart attacks and strokes than "Stripper Night" at the local old peoples home, I should begin to take this a little serious.
Friday 11th January 08
The Sales
What is this incessant need to go out and buy a million tons of crap you don't need under the guise of saving money? The January Sales are a marketing man's dream. The thought that you can get millions of people to spend hours shopping, spending millions on products they would not buy in normal daily life is staggering. And on top of having just spent a hellish month of Christmas shopping is a true testament to the power of marketing.
The thought of shopping in the January sales is more nauseating than the thought of eating another Christmas Turkey until your belly busts and then taking a trip to Mc D's for a Mc Fat-fucker Burger, super size fries and a gallon of syrupy cola.
Wake up and smell the credit card bills people!
Monday 17th December 07
Religion
Oooo now this is a subject that I have always tended to steer away from, but why? Well simply because I realise that peoples views on religion differ to such a degree that arguments always seem to ensue. Maybe this is why I myself am not religious, the whole argument thing.
This was brought up the other day when I was noticeably looked down on for not believing in god. I was told that without god to guide me my life was meaningless and I had no rules to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Normally I would have stood and argued, pointing out that just because I do not believe in an all encompassing god, it does not make me a bad person, and that my life had plenty of meaning, but I simply did not have the time to argue a point that I knew could never arrive at a resolution.
As a child my parents never pressed me into religion of any kind and left me to make up my own mind. At school we would sing hymns and prays were read, but I always thought of it as fictional.
I can understand why the human race created religion from a physiological point of view and can understand the comfort that may people gain from believing in their particular perception of god. But as I grew up, I found myself questioning the things that were preached.
If there is a God, why is it his will that so many innocent people die in such horrible circumstances? "It's Gods will, or plan" was never enough for me. I wanted to know why. Why when something good happens was it always attributed to god. This really annoys me because it takes away from the fact that human nature is fundamentally good. Human beings have the natural instinct of empathy and are designed to care and be good to each other. So why when someone does something good, is it taken away from them as being gods will.
I'm not scared of dieing and never have been. I feel you have this life and should live it to the full. Creating a good example or even inspiring others. I don't believe in God with a fluffy beard, sitting on a cloud, but I do believe that there is meaning to all of this and don't believe the earth and universe is simply a biological mishap and freak of nature. In fact I quite like the whole mystery aspect of it. Maybe it's all a big experiment, but whatever the outcome, we all die. I certainly don't believe that all becomes clear when you die. When you're dead you are simply atoms and become something else, be it earth, grass, air, whatever. Simple as that. Whatever happens, you are still on this earth. The planet is a sealed unit and nothing gets off.
As for God.... Unfortunately I see it as a bad novel that is taken way to seriously, with very little place in modern life. Harsh?.. maybe.. True?.. you decide..
Thursday 13th December 07
Important Things
Why are certain things more important than others? It's strange how certain things seem more important or urgent than others. But thanks to my genius I have devised a technique for dealing with these important things. Simply follow the following steps:
- Write down all important things, must do's and problems on separate bits of paper and put them in a pile.
- Look at the one on the top of the pile. If you are in the mood to deal with it, then do so. If not, put it to the bottom of the pile.
That's it. It's not rocket science. It's simple. If you put off a problem for long enough, it becomes irrelevant. No really it does... Try it! After a week or so, you'll be screwing up bits of paper because they become totally irrelevant.
Wednesday 12th December 07
Sponging Kids
An article in the Times the other day highlighted a growing problem in France. Apparently French parents are increasingly being sued by their children who demand financial support. Now I know the French like to chuck their rattles out their prams and start a riot whenever it takes their fancy, but this is taking the piss.
Many offspring don't see the point in going out to work when they can just ask mum and dad for a hand out, and in the courts the judges are agreeing. Awards of between 200 and 1500 Euros per months are being ordered. In one case, the child was 42 years old and rewarded with 900 euros a month. Sounds like a sponging git to me!
Anyway, a group of parents have now come together to press for a change in French law that currently says parents have "an obligation to nourish, maintain and raise their children". The trouble is, many kids (anything from 18 to 30) seem to believe they have a right to demand money from their parents, and are willing to go to court if it's refused.
So what is the solution to this growing problem which has jumped from 30 cases a year ago to just under 2000 today. Simple. The courts should simply leave the law in place, but add another clause to it stating that parents pay for their children during their lazy years, but the children then pay for the parents living costs as soon as the parents retire.
Failing this, euthanasia! Global society can well do without lazy, tantrum hungry, spoilt, cheese eating surrender monkeys.
Monday 10th December 07
A Lawless Society
Imagine a place you could go, where there are no laws, and thus no consequences for your actions. "Well no such place exists" I hear you say. Well that's not actually correct. Over the last few years a place has been constructed in a joint project between over 20 countries, where no laws apply. What is this place. Well it's called The International Space Station and it currently orbits the earth 280 miles above our heads. Each section of the ISS has been built by a different country. Japan, Russian, the US, the European Space Agency, etc, have all created modules for the space station, from living quarters, to laboratories, storage rooms, etc. So what you might think. Well what happens if a brilliant scientific discovery is made in one of these laboratories? Who owns the patient on it? Well, every one involved got together and decided that a discovery in the Russian built laboratory by a Russian cosmonaut would mean the interlectual property and the patient would belong to Russia. But who owns the patient on something that's created in the European Space Agency's laboratory? There is no country called Europe. It's a mass of some twenty countries.
And this pops up another question. What happens if a French astronaut assaults a Russian astronaut? Which law governs incidents of this nature? Is it Russian law, French law, US law? Who has jurisdiction? And what if we (as the human race) go back to the moon or Mars? What laws apply there? What if in the distant future a baby is born in space, on Mars or the Moon? What country do they belong too? This whole issue highlights just how petty we are as a species, dividing up our world into countries with borders. If and when the human race expands into space, a whole new set of laws will have to be created. And this has already starting, but the trouble is, nobody can seem to agree on them. And that's just human nature I guess.
It brings up the question of exactly what is just and right? The trouble is, everyone's definition is different depending on the country or culture you are from. How will it be solved? Nobody knows. Yet.
Friday 7th December 07
Engineering Advances
Something I have noticed as I have gotten older, is I have found a renewed interest in all things old. For example, when I was a kid I dreamed of all technological marvels. What will happen in the future? Flying cars, spaceship trips to the moon. I can even remember dreaming of a communicator like Michael Knight in "Knight Rider". Where he used to talk to his car through the gadget on his wrist. I thought it was amazing that he didn't need wires. Yet now mobile phones are more common than most sexually transmitted diseases. So at least some of my dreams have come true.
However, now, when it comes to technology, I find myself increasingly interested in "The Old Days", and specifically engineering of "The Old Days". Tractions engines, steam engines, war ships, tanks, beam engines, etc. Everything back then was on such a massive scale. It was there right in front of you, spinning cogs, pounding pistons, pulsating dials, all moving together in perfect engineering harmony. It is enormously impressive to look at. And yet as engineering has progressed, things have gotten smaller. The advent of the computer and the microchip have eradicated moving parts. Even the first supercomputer "Colossus" which was constructed to break codes during World War II was the size of a bus, and now the same computing power can be found in most PDA's or laptops. And although this is very impressive in its own way, it's not very impressive to look at. A can't see people in the future spending their weekends at festivals based around the laptop computer. Unlike today's festivals of steam, with lumbering great traction engines.
A stark illustration of this can be found by visiting the Science museum. There is a whole section on the computer, which shows things such as the largest hard disk (about two metres across), next to the smallest (an inch, that hold a million times more data). And yet, even this pales into significance once you walk into the engineering hall. Everything is massive! Trains, Planes, Rockets, all the larger than anything you see in daily life today.
Is this why Britain no longer has an engineering industry? There seems very little to impress. We used to lead the world in engineering and yet today, engineers are thin on the ground on this little island of ours. And I can see why. If I was a kid in school trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I wouldn't be thinking about engineering. Schools no longer have engineering workshops, woodwork rooms, etc. Health and safety knocked that on the head long ago. Unfortunately we seem to be training a nation of call centre staff, that are incapable of doing anything remotely mechanical. So what are we going to do when the next Hitler comes along and tries to invade our little island? Put him on Hold? Only time will tell.
Friday 23rd November 07
Pay as you Throw
It looks like it will only be a matter of time before we end up paying for disposing of our rubbish. And yet again, this has nothing to do with the environment and more to do with the ability of local government to raise more money through tax.
So why is it wrong to encourage people to recycle their rubbish by applying a tax on what they through away? Well you don't have to be brain of Britain to come up with a few obvious reasons why this is a money grabbing scheme.
- It's taxing the poor. People who can afford the cost (Rich people) will simply pay the tax and not bother recycling. Thus not encouraging recycling at all.
- We already pay a tax for our rubbish to be picked up. It's called the council tax. And as the Bastards don't even perform the service correctly now (not had a recycle collection in six weeks) I don't see how giving the council more money to piss up the wall will help.
- If we are charged by the amount we throw away, what's to stop you putting your rubbish in your neighbours bin. Paddlocks on wheely bins?
- Why would anyone pay to through away their rubbish when they could just burn it in the back garden. That will help the environment!
- Encouraging people to recycle through punishment will never work. It will create resentment and anger. Far better would be to offer reward for recycling. A rebate on your council tax depending on how much you recycle. What about money back on bottles, tins, plastics, milk cartons. That way, the streets are clean too. (litter picking is much more profitable)
The up shot is that the government does not care about the environment and are just jumping on the environment bandwagon to justify more tax. And who can blame them really. I know everyone has to do their bit, but when you think about it, the amount of waist that the UK produces is insignificance compared to just about any other country in the world. It's like comparing the size of a gnats cock to the elephant it's sitting on. We as a nation produce as much rubbish in a year as countries like the US and China produce in a day.
Tuesday 6th November 07
Vehicle Health Warnings
Under a new European plan, all new car adverts will have to carry carbon health warnings the likes of nicotine warnings on cigarette packets. Adverts will have to devote 20% of advertising space to detailed fuel efficiency and CO2 emissions.
So should they do the same thing with meat?
After all, a cow produces more CO2 than a car every day, so should beef have CO2 emissions warnings on the packet along with cooking instructions? Indeed if you count the CO2 produced during the production of the energy or gas to cook the meat, the government may soon be forcing us all to turn vegetarian!
Thursday 25th October 07
Drink Limits
In the newspaper today, it was revealed that the governments level for safe drinking (21 units per week), which were put in place back in 1987 and which all subsequent health policy has been based on, is a load of bollocks.
The amount of 21 units of alcohol per week was a figure that was just plucked out of the air by ministers as there was no scientific data on the subject what so ever.
So for the past 20 years government health policy towards alcohol has been based on nothing! In subsequent studies it has been found that people who drink around 30 units of alcohol per week have the lowest mortality rate, and that teetotallers would live longer if they had a drink or two. In fact another report stated that a man would have to drink 63 units per week to achieve the same death rate as a teetotaller.
I wonder if you can get Stella on prescription?
Monday 22th October 07
Vegas is Bonkers!
So, having spent two weeks in the USA and five days in Las Vegas, which included getting married, I can honestly say that the place is BONKERS! It definitely lives up to it's name of "Adults Playground". In fact, one of the nice things about it is the distinct lack of children of any age.
Everything is Big, Big and Big again. There is no such thing as small, or medium. The words simply do not exist. Everything comes in one size "Big". From the food and drink, to the buildings and attractions.
And I must add that it's great fun! It's a place you go to when you want to forget the rest of the planet exists. There is no concept of time. Clocks don't exist in Vegas. No really, they don't. You can get everything and anything 24 hours a day, no questions asked. You can walk down the street drinking a 10 gallon vat of wine and nobody would bat an eyelid, unlike any other place in the US where drinking on the street will have you banged up faster than you can say "That's a big gun ossifer".
If you haven't been to Las Vegas I would definitely recommend it, but only for a maximum of about five days. When we left Vegas I was actually looking forward to the 11 hour drive to San Francisco, just so I could get a little piece and quite. It's that mad. Don't get me wrong. It's great, and I'm planning to return next year, but it's nice to get away. It's like a party that lasts for five days, in the end you just look forward to sitting in a darkened room in total quiet to get over the sensory overload that is Las Vegas!
Saturday 29th September 07
Money Spent on Space
There is a great debate and always has been on the amount of money spent of space exploration. Many people complain that the money spent sending people into space and trying to get to the moon or Mars would be much better spent on social issues right here on earth.
There are of course many others who counter that the budget given to space exploration should be massively increased, and I don't mind saying I am well and truly on this side of the fence. The reason is simple. The human race must get off this planet if we are to survive for any length of time. The sheer number of humans on planet earth is increasing beyond sustainability. At current birth and death rates, which will only improve as we develop more and more ways to prolong life, it is estimated that by the year 2098 there will be so many humans on the planets that we will need the resources of two planet earths to sustain us. And that is just to make sure we have enough food, water and a place to live. A scary thought.
However, this is not the greatest threat to the future of man kind. Not by a long shot. Assuming we don't kill our selves as we develop even better ways of blowing each other to bits, the greatest threat to man kind is an asteroid strike. "Yer… sure" I hear you say. "Not in my lifetime". Well you may well be right. But there is no doubt that an asteroid will at some point in the future wipe out life on this planet. It is inevitable and simply a matter of mathematics'. So when will it happen. Well it just may be sooner than you think.
If the world as a whole has not woken up to the idea of an asteroid strike by 13th April 2029 (which just happens to be Friday 13th) it certainly will. Because on this day an asteroid weighting 25 million tons will pass by the earth closer than anything before it. It will be travelling at 22,000 miles per hour and is over 800 feet across, and will pass so close to the earth that it will be closer than most of our satellites in geosynchronous orbit that provide mobile phone communications and GPS signal. If it were to hit the earth (which it won't assuming the astrologists have their calculations right), it would cause an explosion and devastation the likes not seen on the earth before. So is that why NASA is currently working on an asteroid deflection system, due to be launched in 2016? Quite possibly.
But more alarming is that when the asteroid passes us on the 13th April 2029 the scientists are not quite sure how the earth's gravitation will affect it. They know it will pull on the asteroid causing it to curve round the earth slightly, but are not sure of the extent. The bad news is that the earth's gravitational affect could pull the asteroid onto an orbital path that will mean that when it passes by seven years later it will indeed hit the earth while travelling at 28,000 mile per hour. That's about 40 times faster than a bullet fired from a gun. Ouch!
So lets hope that the do gooders of the world really want to save the planet and allow money to be spent on saving the entire human race and not just the beggar on the street corner.
Monday 24th September 07
The X Prize
The X Prize is back! This time backed by Google, who have offered 10 million pounds to the first privately backed group to land a robot explorer on the moon before 2012. The robot must be able to take a series of high definition photos and movie clips of the moon's surface and there are also extra prizes for discovering ice (water) on the surface among other things.
So will man soon be going back to the moon in person. Well NASA is aiming at putting a man on the moon by 2020 and then on to a manned mission to Mars. However, there are several new governments to get through in the US until we reach 2020, and whether funding is still forthcoming will greatly effect whether they actually make it.
So what of the private attempts to get to the moon. Well Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic is certainly on target to launch a civilian "Trip to Space" service by the end of next year, so I guess anything is possible. And with the right incentives, we might just get to the promises of 30 years ago when the population of the world was looking forward to a future of private space flights and holidays on the moon. I guess I better start saving my pennies.
Thursday 20th September 07
Road Trip
Myself and my better half are off the states in a couple of weeks and will be doing a bit of a road trip. We start in Los Angeles where we drive through the Mojave Dessert, passed Area 51, the famed location of alien space craft, and on to Las Vegas. After spending a few days here which include the Bug'0'Rama VW show at the Las Vegas drag strip. Oh.. and we're getting married, we'll be off again on a drive to San Francisco.
This is the part I'm really looking forward to. Apparently it's No.4 in the top five of "Road journeys to do before you die". Along the way we go through Death Valley and along possibly the straightest road I've every seen. Are we really sure the Romans never made it to America. Looks amazingly like a bit of their handywork.
Then up through the Rocky mountains and into Yosemitee National Park. Which has some of the most spectacular scenery.
So despite playing scenes from various Hollywood movies, including Psycho, The Hills Have Eyes and the Stephen Speilburg classic "Duel", it should be a good trip. I'm just wondering what American "piece of shit" hire car we get given to do the trip.
Monday 17th September 07
Do you like Pigeons?
Well it's a simple question. Do you like pigeons? You know, the things that crap on everything and are on a par with seagulls. Sky Rats as they are affectionately known.
Well form the previous statement you can guess how I feel about this particular vermin. From what I can see they don't actually seem to have a use. I mean most animals, you can see where they fit in the food chain and that if they didn't exist there would be a population explosion in some other creature further down the chain. But as far as I can see the only thing that would be affected if pigeons became extinct is the bloke in Trafalgar square selling tubs of 5p bird seed for £2.50 would have to figure out a different way of fleecing tourists.
This is why I'm not too upset that there is currently a pigeon in several bits in my back garden. Not me I must say, before all you Animal Rights freaks start sending me letter bombs. It's the result of my next door neighbour's cat. Yesterday while looking out my window the cat proceeded to pounce on and kill this pigeon. The only thing I am a bit pissed about is that my back garden now looks like someone has emptied out a king size feather duvet all over the place, or a couple of half naked girls have been having a pillow fight (drifts off into a day dream… aaaaaahhh).
The pool of blood soaked into the pavement, the half a pigeon in the flower bed and the other half (in about ten pieces) scattered around the garden has now got to be cleaned up. Well if ever there was a job that I would be justified in putting off for a while, then that's it!
I guess I should point out that I am in no way justifying the suffering of any animal, but lets face it. That's what pigeons are for! "Cat entertainment".
Thursday 6th September 07
A Day of Chemical Covered Frustration
A while ago now I had to replace a couple of small pipes in the cooling system of my VW T25 van. It was a water cooled 1.9 and I had been putting it off for a while. This is how I got on.
After reading through the procedure of replacing the coolant in the Haynes manual, I set about the job, thinking it would take me about an hour (at the most).
With the design of the water cooled T25 van, the engine is in the back and the radiator is at the front. This means you have two inch and a half hoses running the full length of the van, and a couple of others going the whole distance for the heater matrix. No problem you may think, until you realise that to ensure you get all the coolant drained you have the lift the front of the van higher than a teenage dope-head after he won 300 quid on a scratch card and just met up with his dealer.
The other consequence of the endless miles of pipe work that run up and down the van and envelope the engine, is the sheer volume of coolant needed to fill it up again. 18.5 litres!!!!! That's a 50-50 mix of water and coolant, which of course has to be the special VW stuff, as the normal stuff you buy, will just eat your engine from the inside out. (worth knowing if you don't fancy a kick in the bank balance).
And what the hell do you do with the old 18.5 litres of coolant. I had neglected to save up a ton of 2-litre diet coke bottles to dispose of the old stuff, and so being the thoughtful environmentally conscious fello I am, I poured it in the flowerbed. I've since found out it's a great way of killing weeds…… err and plants…. Oh and a tree.. Doh!
And refilling the thing is no ten minute job. Again lifting the front higher than the empire state building to bleed out any air from the radiator, as any left in the system will only lead to overheating the engine.
So after six hours in which time most of the coolant ended up over me than anywhere else, the job was done.
It's good to get the job done and not worry about the leaky coolant system any more. But nope..! The worry is simply replaced with another. Driving everywhere, my eyes were glued to the temperature gauge, worrying that I had left an air bubble in the system. Well thankfully after several weeks it still purred along with no problems.
So if anyone asks you to give them a hand with changing the coolant in their T25, tell them you're a bit busy that day and save yourself a day of chemical covered frustration.
Tuesday 4th September 07
That's Rubbish
So once again councils up and down Britain are warming to the idea of charging us for the amount of rubbish we create. They are coming up with various ways of getting the scheme to work, one of which is to issue each house hold with a particular size bin. If you choose a smaller bin, you will get a larger reduction in your council tax bill. Any rubbish that you create over and above which will fit in your bin, you are charged extra for.
The whole point of this is to protect the environment. Unfortunately I can see this becoming the complete opposite. It will be an environmental disaster and simply another stealth tax. And here's why.
If a particular week you can't fit all your rubbish in your bin, are you really gonna want to pay extra. No… You'll just keep it until the following week and hope you can squeeze it in then. So the following week you still can't fit it in, and at the same time you happen to be having a Bar BQ. So instead of worrying about it, you just chuck it all on the bar BQ and burn the lot. Problem solved.
Now the next time you have too much rubbish what are you gonna do… "We're having another Bar B Q at the weekend dear!". Potentially half the population could be burning plastics and other toxic substances in their back gardens. Thus releasing more toxic chemicals and gasses into the atmosphere than ever before.
And if it's not being burnt, the rubbish will be dumped all over the place. Fly tipping would become an Olympic sport and every weekend across the country will be like bonfire night with columns of smoke billowing into the sky.
I wonder if the government have actually thought about this?
Thursday 30th August 07
New Car! Would You?
A report last week showed that you would have to be barking mad to buy a new car. The average best selling new car loses over £500 per month in its first year.
Here are a few examples of the sort of loss you're looking at when purchasing a car brand new.
- Ford Focus Loses 48% of it's value in the first year. That's £7,086
- Vauxhall Astra Loses 46% in the first year. That's £6,604
- Vauxhall Zafira Loses 46% in the first year. That's £8,256
- Renault Megan Loses 43% in the first year. That's £6,117
- Toyota Prius Loses 45% in the first year. That's £9,348
So why in the name of hell would you ever buy a brand new car? I must admit I have never bought a car brand new. I've always thought that as soon as you drive it off the for court you might as well just wind down the window and chuck a bundle of fifty pound notes out the window. But I guess the feeling of owning something for the first time might be nice. But certainly not worth chucking away that sort of money for.
So why do people buy new cars?
I have absolutely no idea, but I hope they keep doing it. At least it gives people with more than half a brain the ability to buy a practically brand new, one year old car for almost half the price! See…. Stupid people do have a use after all.
Wednesday 29th August 07
Live longer
Last week my uncle had to go into hospital to have a tumour removed from his bowel. A major operation, particularly for someone of 95 years old. Yep 95. And how has he lived to such a ripe old age? Exercise. Ever since I was a wee nipper my uncle has always enjoyed running. He was the oldest man to run the London marathon at one point and continued to run from Stevenage to Hitchin and back every day up until he was in his mid 80's when he developed a knee injury. Now at 95 he still does 100 press ups every morning when he gets up. He's fitter than I am.
Now you may think it's in his genes. But no it's not. His twin brother died at the age of 35 from a heart attack, which was what prompted him to start exercising. And his other brother (my grandad) dies at 71 after suffering from angina pretty much all his life.
So it was his love of running that has kept him alive and healthy for so long. It was because of this that I was not worried in the slightest about his operation. I knew he would survive. And more than that, he had to go through the operation while awake!
Apparently they did not want to give a general anaesthetic to someone so old, so did the whole operation with an epidural. And the funny thing was, my uncle watched the whole thing on a monitor, while they cut him open, pulled out his bowl, removed the tumour and put it all back again. The surgeon kept telling him throughout the operation to stop laughing and looking at the monitor, as it was making him move as the surgeon tried to do certain things.
What a hero. I would have passed out from the sight of my own blood, let alone my insides....
He's now back home and recovering, though I don't suppose it will be too long before he's back to exercising again.
So people, get off you're arses and do some exercise and with a bit of luck and hard work, you might just get to see the next century.
Tuesday 28th August 07
Violent Society
Over the last couple of weeks there has been news story after news story about shootings, murders, muggings, racist bullying, etc. This has once again started the debate of society become more violent than in years passed.
Well I've got good news for you! Society now is safer than at any time in the history of the UK. "What....No way".... You may think but it's true. If you look at the actual statistics of violent crime from 1901 to today, each year crime rates have subsided, with the occasional blip of course.
Prove it.. Well take this as an example. When my grandad died a few years back, among the things he left behind was a whole load of old newspapers. One such newspaper is a copy of the Hertfordshire Gazette from 1928. The equivalent of the Stevenage Comet today. Looking at the newspaper is very interesting. The stock market results for example are literally Stock. Cows, pigs, sheep, wheat, etc.
But the main thing that jumps out at you is the amount of violence. In the first three pages of this newspaper there are articles of 9 different murders. All in and around Hertfordshire. Everything for a man being stabbed in a pub to a woman killing her husband, and another man chopping up his entire family and trying to bury them in the back garden. If there were 9 murders in an issue of the Comet today we'd have a fit!
So why do we believe that society is getting worse? Is it the media, is it governments wanting to ensure the population lives in fear? A scared population is far easier to control than a happy one. Or is it simply that we always look back at history with rose tinted glasses? I mean, we even look back at the war years with fond memories. Which, lets face it is crazy. Looking back fondly on a time when thousands we killed is bizarre, but simply part of the human psyche. We remember the good times and block out the bad.
Tuesday 21st August 07
Protest for Protests sake
If like me you have paid any attention to the news over the week or so, you'll have noticed that there are a bunch of people forming a protest camp at Heathrow in protest at expansion of the airport and the environmental impact it would cause.
I think everyone at some point in their life goes through the protest phase, usually when they are young. But in fact, it's just another form of rebellion, rather than a real protest. It's protest for protests sake. Listening to some of the so called environmental campaigners being interviewed on the news, just highlighted this very point, Unfortunately they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, and it's pretty much just an excuse to drop out of the reality of real life and go sit in a field for a few days and delude yourself into thinking you're making a difference.
If they were really interested in saving the planet they should spend their time designing an engine that runs on water, inventing a power station that doesn't churn out C02, developing an alternative energy source, or other such technological advancement.
Because the global warming issue will not be solved by going backwards! Stopping people flying, driving and trying to stop progress is not the answer and impossible. You cannot go backwards. It just doesn't work.
I bet if you went and took away one of these greenies mobile phones and told them it was a good thing, they'd argue about it.
Technology is the answer. Science is the answer. Trying to revert the populous back to the stone age is not! And will never work.
The technology of alternative fuels, battery development and emissions suppression is the only way to solve the issue. Certainly sitting in a muddy field getting drunk and smoking dope till you pass out is not gonna help in the slightest.
And this presents a bit of a problem, because if like me you see a scabby hippy in a field shouting about the environment you ignore them as idiots.
Not that I have anything against them, after all, I've been there and done that. However, if you see a news story about a scientist who has invented a new way to generate power, you think "wow that's good!". But unfortunately, the science community is not really the jump up and down, look at me kind, unlike the anarchic protesting youth. So if someone had a magically way of getting the "jump up and down in the mud nutters" to channel their energies into something worthwhile, we may actually get somewhere.
But I guess that's like trying to take a mobile phone away from a teenager! It will just end in protest!
Monday 20th August 07
Fashion Disasters
Over the years there have been many fashion disasters. Far to many to mention here that's for sure. However, one in particular had quite a strange affect.
A motorcycle rider had a very nasty shock. Having fallen off of his bike on a country road, knocking himself unconscious and ending up in a ditch under a hedge, he awoke to an ambulance man leaning over him. After being told by the ambulance man that his legs were broken and to lye still, a million thoughts of being in a wheelchair for the rest of his life raced through his mind. But then he wiggled his toes, and the his foot. And then to the amazement of the ambulance man, climbed out of the ditch he was lying in and got up.
He was wearing twisted jeans (those jeans where the seams twist as the go down the leg) and the ambulance man had looked at his legs lying in the ditch and thought they were twisted to buggery.
Friday 17th August 07
Now where did I put them?
It transpired last week that the US Government had inadvertently lost 190,000 AK47 assault rifles. The rifles where bought brand new and were to be used to arm the new Iraq army and police force. But they seem to have lost 190,000 of them which they now believe are in the hands of insurgent forces.
Now I know the US Government likes to go start a war every now and then to prop up it's arms industry, but it looks like the troops weren't using up enough ammunition or something. So they gave the other side a shed load of guns to liven things up a bit and ensure the order books stay full.
I mean, how do you lose 190,000 guns. That's like Richard Branson saying "Oh bugger... Now where did I put that 747 Jumbo Jet I bought yesterday. I'm sure I put it somewhere safe. I've checked all my pockets... Oh hang on, maybe I left it in my sock draw."
Thursday 16th August 07
Homer Makes Money
Trading Standards Officers swooped on a car boot sale in Tyneside at the weekend and seized a hord of fake £20 notes.
The items in question were replicas of the £20 note in look and feel, but with a difference. The queens head was replaced with Homer Simpson.
Trading Standard Officers are warning people that many of the notes could be in general circulation and can easily be mistaken for their genuine counter parts.
How cool it that!
I think Homer should be on our bank notes. Homer on the 20 pound note, Bart on the tenner and Lisa on the fiver.
And instead of the Charles Darwin quotes, etc you could just have "Doh!"... Get it...
Monday 13th August 07
Space Shuttle
The Space shuttle launched a few days ago to take up another section of that giant Mechano kit in space (the international space station). It's strange how the activities of NASA are governed by the very fickle American public opinion. In other words if the public are bored or uninspired by the space program, NASA looses a load of funding. What they should actually do is take a leaf out of the UK Governments book and do whatever they like despite public opinion.
How anyone could not be inspired by the space shuttle launch is bizarre. Every time the space shuttle takes off, it is nothing short of amazing. The technology involved in getting this goliath into space is staggering and the numbers involved are almost beyond comprehension.
Here's a few facts about the launch of the shuttle for you to consider next time you see a launch.
- At take off the shuttle weights 4.5 million pounds and is lifted by 7.8 million pounds of thrust.
- The two thousand ton shuttle is travelling over 250mph before it clears the top of the launch tower. And that's going straight up.
- 30 seconds after take off, the shuttle throttles back the engines slightly to ease the vibrations as it passes through the sound barrier at 768mph.
- 1 and a half minutes into the flight the shuttle is already 20 miles up and 20 miles downrange of the launch pad travelling at 2000mph. The shuttle and it's crew are travelling two and a half times faster than a rifle bullet. Can you imagine being inside it?
- The two solid rocket boosters, which burn propellant at a rate of 11,000 pounds per second, separate from the shuttle and begin the fall back to earth at 2 minutes into the flight. The shuttle then throttles up its three remaining main engines to 100%. Astronauts say the acceleration at this point is the equivalent to someone kicking you in the back as hard as they can!
- After throttle up the shuttle increases its speed to 12,000 miles per hour and is already 42 miles up.
- At 4 minutes after lift-off the shuttle is now travelling at 17,500mph (that's 5 miles per second) and is nearly 70 miles above the earth. At this point each of the shuttles three engines is consuming half a ton of liquid rocket fuel per second. The consumption of fuel would drain an Olympic swimming pool every ten seconds through it's ten inch diameter fuel pipes, pushed through by turbo charged fuel pumps at a pressure of over 6000 psi. The fuel is then ignited and blasts out the back of the rocket at a temperature of over 1500 degrees.
- 6 minutes into flight the engines are shut down and the shuttle it left floating around the earth at a height of about 120 miles and travelling at over 17,500 mph.
- The space shuttle is the fastest man made object in history, and has transported over 30 million pounds of equipment into space so far.
To say this is a hostile environment does not do it justice. If something goes wrong with the technology that keeps what equates to a controlled explosion going in the right direction, there is little hope of rescue. It's dangerous. As born out by the two space shuttles that have exploded.
Even with this massive risk, if someone invited you to go on the space shuttle, would you go? I've asked this question to lots of people and the strange thing is, that every man who I've asked the question say "Yes" they would go without hesitation. And yet most women say "No, it's not worth the risk".
Until man kind comes up with the next generation of space craft, the space shuttle is the pinnacle of engineering. It's the Concorde of planes, the last supper of the art world, the great pyramids of history, the Grand Canyon of natural wonders, and you would have to go if you were given the chance.
There are much worst ways to die.
Friday 10th August 07
Left Handed Weirdo's
Scientists have discovered the gene that makes people left handed. Quit what the purpose of this is I am unsure. It's not as if it's something that needs curing. Or is it?
As a result of the research they also found out that the same gene significantly increases the chances of psychotic mental illness. So keep an eye out for left handed people cos they're mental!
Something I always suspected..... Left handed weirdo's... :)
Thursday 9th August 07
You Bad Driver
Three time Formula 1 champion Nelson Piquet who won the championship in 1981, 1983 and 1987 has been sent on a week long driving course by a judge in Spain. Apparently both Mr Piquet and his wife are to attend the course on driver awareness due to a number of motoring offences, including speeding and a number of parking offences.
Instructor; "So why did you feel the need to take that last corner on two wheels at 120mph Mr Piquet?"
Nelson Piquet: "Because unlike you.. I can..!"
Instructor; "Very good. Now when I tap on the dashboard please perform and emergency stop. And once again, there is no need to wait for all four wheels to be changed"
Wednesday 8th August 07
Car Kebab
If like me you like surfing or anything to do with surfing, you will no doubt have seen the adverts for the new Renault Clio by Rip Curl. Being a surf board, surf clothing and surf accessories company, Rip Curl have got together with Renault for mutually beneficial reasons. Renault get the cool name and image of Rip Curl and in return Renault will be sponsoring many surfing events around the world.
So what is so different about the Rip Curl Clio… I was curious to know for myself. Well the list of modifications for the Rip Curl model is extensive and runs to the following…. Rip Curl stickers, blue paintwork (to mimic the sea), rubber matting inside and a stereo radio CD player with 2 x 15 watt speakers... Wow...!
The rubber matting is to prevent the interior getting damaged from all the sand and wet clothing etc, when you chuck all your wet gear in the back.. You know cos whoever buys it is a surfer/adrenaline junkie right! ... Errrr... No.. Whoever buy's it will never go surfing, as they are just buying into an image. It's a good job really because there is one extra that they forgot to include in the new Clio…. "Flip down front windscreen and rear window", because that's the only way you'll ever get a surfboard in it! Mind you, they couldn't do that really as the car would look like a giant car kebab on a surfboard skewer.
"What do you drive?"
"I drive the new Clio Skewer!"
"I thought it was called The Kebab?"
"Eeeerrrr yer. That's what I meant"
Tuesday 7th August 07
Now Idiots can Park a car!
It's been a long time coming, but it seems we are about to see the introduction of "Intelligent Parking" systems in production cars. This is primarily for the less intelligent sections of the population. The systems will automatically park your car for you, either in a parking space or parallel parking on a road.
Volkswagen are about to release the system in the new VW Touran. The self parking system automatically surveys a potential parking space ensuring it is large enough and then takes over the steering of the car and parks the car for you using it's onboard radar system.
Sounds all very good in principle and is possibly a glimpse at the future when cars will simply not need to be driven, but simply told where to take us.
For those of you thinking… No.. I like driving myself… Don't worry. It won't happen. And here's why. With the new driving system, the computer only controls the steering. The driver still controls the accelerator and brake. Why? Simple.. Liability.
"Sorry about the state of your new Bentley mate, but it wasn't my fault, it was the automatic parking system that was driving…. Not me!"
Can you imagine how many people would blame the onboard computer driving system for their parking dings, even if they weren't using it.
"Sorry it was the computer…You'll have to claim off Volkswagen"
And that's why they'll not build a car that drives itself. They would be too scared of being sued when it mistook a pedestrian shopping centre for the M25. Ooo that would be messy..
The car companies are so afraid of the liability issue that on the new BMW that is due to have the system, each time you park a disclaimer flashes up on the dashboard, that you have to agree to before it will park the car for you. I guess it says something along the lines off "If this fucks up, it's not BMW's fault". Shows how much confidence they must have in the system.
Monday 6th August 07
F1 Heroes
I recently watched a film clip on the YouTube website that really made me think about the bravery of Formula One racing drivers. The clip in question showed the number of drivers that had died in Formula One since the 1950's up until the last (Ayrton Senna in 1994).
The most amazing thing about this clip is it shows just how far safety standards have come in recent years. The drivers of the past were of an entirely different bread to their present day counter parts, and were brave beyond comprehension.
We often harp on about the olden days being better, but in this case it shows just how far we have come in the preservation of human life. Today's F1 drivers are certainly brave, there's no question about that. The ability to take a car into a corner at 160mph not knowing what is on the other side, takes skill and massive confidence in your abilities and that of your machine. However, in formula one cars of today you are massively protected. With safety cells protecting the driver that can withstand impacts like never before, the drivers have this piece of mind.
A brilliant illustration of this is when Nigel Mansell (1993) hit the concrete wall at Minneapolis in the US at 180mph virtually head on and the safety cell protected him. Not only that, he is the only driver to ever pierce right through the 3 metre thick concrete wall surounding the circuit.
Drivers of years ago had none of this protection. They knew that if they hit a wall at over 50mph the chance of survival was nil.
The clip can be seen by clicking on the following link. But before you watch it, be warned. It is a shocking and amazing tribute to the bravery of these men who died very young. A must see clip, but shocking and upsetting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wadyqK2kvwc
Friday 3rd August 07
The Downside
Ever since I have been able to drive I have owned a VW camper van of one type or another. And the reason I continue to own a van is because you can do so much with them. They are so much more versatile than a normal car.
However. There is a very big downside to owning a van. You are.. in the eyes of everyone who does not own a van......... a "Pack Horse". In the last six months, I have moved house twice (not my house). Picked up a shed for my neighbour. Picked up so many things from shops for friends and family... beds, washing machines, dishwasher, chest of draws, half the Argos furniture catalogue, two ton of roofing materials, a sofa bed, a ton of Satan's flat pack shelving (Ikea) and more clear outs and trips to the dump than dust cart. I've moved more crap about than Bob The Builder and none of it has been for me... ooooo No. That's a lie. I did go and pick up a load of wood from John's place a few weeks back, but I was there for a Bar BQ anyway.
So what am I grumbling about you may ask? Well I don't mind helping people out every now and then, as I consider myself to be quite a helpful chap. But I have just realised I'm about to invalidate my insurance. You see I have a limited mileage policy and despite working from home and not having to drive to work every day I have clocked up over 5000 in six months! Admittedly 1000 of this was a holiday in Cornwall, but I'm starting the think I should put a "For Hire" sign on the side of my van.
Sorry.... Having a grumpy old man day today..
Wednesday 1st August 07
Back to the Future... Again!
The Delorean car, made famous by the Back To The future movies may be about to see a re-birth. Apparently the Delorean company still exists in the United States, despite going tits up 25 years ago in Belfast (Ireland) where the car was orignally made.
Apparently the company has had such a demand for reconditioned Deloreans over the last few years that they are planning to start production of the car properly. Only 9000 rolled off the production line in the early 80's of which about 6500 are left today and this simple is not enough for demand.
The logic behind it is that all the teenagers who lusted after the car when watching it in the Back To The Future films are now in their mid 30's and can attually afford the car of their dreams. So the Delorean company are going to manufacture 25 to 30 hand built cars per year. If you fancy one, you'll have a bit of a wait as the waiting list is apparently several years long already.
This got me thinking as to what else could be brought back into production from the 1980's..... How about Knight Rider, the Pontiac Firebird TransAm, or the GMC A Team van! The Dogde Charger from the Dukes of Hazzard.... I know... I've got it.. How about the VW beetle from Herbie! Oh hang on a minute, they only just stopped making them... There's probably still a few of them kicking about then. Oh well...
Tuesday 31st July 07
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
Apparently scientists have bred the first ever schizophrenic mice in order to study the illness. This is unusual as mice are usually only genetically bred for physical conditions rather than mental ones.
The only thing I want to know is how can they tell it's a schizophrenic mouse? Did they ask it? Do they have a little mouse sized psychiatrists couch for the mouse to lye on and talk about his problems?
Maybe it's more obvious than that, maybe the mouse thinks he's a dog and won't stop barking. Maybe the scientists caught him doing jumps and trying to swim in his water bowl thinking he was a dolphin.
Scientists say they can use the mice to study mood disorders. So how do you tell the difference between a happy mouse and a depressed mouse? Does one run around its cage with a cheesy grim while the other one stays in bed watching day time TV and stuffing his face with chocolate cakes?
The wonders of modern science.
Monday 30th July 07
Jaws
Isn't it good to see the media being restrained and not causing a panic. By which I am referring to The Sun newspaper... sorry.. Comic that printed stories of a Great White Shark being spotted just off the coast of St Ives in Cornwall. Talk about sensationalist media. The first sighting looks like a dolphin and the second is pretty obvious as a basking shark with is about as dangerous as a goldfish. The only reason they don't give them away at the fair ground is because they can't find plastic bags big enough to stuff em into.
Monday 23rd July 07
Mud Jam
So what can we say about Bug Jam (Mud Jam) at Santa Pod at the weekend. Nowhere else could you get trench foot and sunburnt in the same weekend and have a great time.
As it turned out the weekend was a lads piss up as all the better halves were either too busy, working and/or had better things to do. And did we let the weather get us down. Hell No.. In true Dunkirk spirit we soldiered on with the job at hand. "Drinking Beer!"
And after the mud wrestling, drinking, dancing like a ape on acid, trudging through the trenches, avoiding lake Eric that had appear in the camp site, building a draw bridge to accompany the moat that had appeared around the tent, watching the occasional person sliding by on their arse while being towed by a car through the mud, we were rewarded with a warm sunny Sunday. Which meant some great drag racing, monster trucks, freestyle suicidal motorbike nutters, drinking water all day to recover and a bout of sunburn to boot.
Great and very funny weekend!
Thursday 19th July 07
Global Warming LOL
Just to illustrate the global warming issue, Bueno Aires in Argentina has just had a record cold snap and snow for the first time since 1918. Children and adults could be seen dancing and playing in the streets, building snow men and throwing snow balls. This is the first time many people had even seen snow, with a couple of inches of the white stuff falling on the city. This was followed by the coldest temperatures for over 40 years. Global warming....! Yer that sounds about right!
I should point out that I am not against global warming. I fully support it! LOL.
What I mean is, I am not denying that global warming is occurring. Not at all. I just can't stand the way people, governments, companies and various groups use it as a political tool to their own ends. Twisting facts and figure to suit their own agenda. Using it as a justification for bleeding more money from the population, and not addressing the real causes.
Wednesday 18th July 07
Stop Farting
Last week a news item appeared about a group of scientists who were trying to figure out how to cut emissions from cows. Yes Cows. The whole situation just goes to show how stupid and futile the whole global warming thing is.
The entire population has been brainwashed into believing we are all evil humans for polluting the atmosphere with our cars, homes and general lifestyle, and yet a cow produces the same amount of C02 as a 2.5 litre car driving 100 miles every day of it's life. THAT'S EVERY SINGLE DAY!
So what's the solution? Well the scientists in question are feeding the cows with various additives in their diet to change their digestive system to produce less CO2 and methane. Garlic syrup is one such additive.
But are they setting a dangerous president? After all, there's a lot more humans in this country than cows, and despite what some people say, EVERYBODY FARTS! Now obviously humans haven't quite got the grass habit that cows have, and so produce a dam site less emissions, but how long before we, as a population are instructed to save the planet by eating a galic syrup pill every day?
Fuck spending money on stupid piddily crap like cow farts and ensuring that all future steak comes with built in garlic butter.
Start addressing the real issues of power stations and slashing and burning of rain forests, which produces more C02 in one month than the UK produces in a year.
Tuesday 17th July 07
Free Music
In the Mail on Sunday at the weekend Prince, or the Artist formally known as twat or whatever he's calling himself now; is giving away his new album. Yes. You can get a totally free copy of his new studio album in a newspaper! In fact, other than at his concerts (where the album will also be given away free), the newspaper is the only place you can get a copy.
This has angered the music industry saying that giving away and album totally free is de-valuing music and will only harm future artists and music production.
So is free music a bad thing? Definitely not! For example, at the weekend the town of Hitchin staged it's annual "Rhythm's Of The World" festival, which is the largest free music festival in Britain. With 9 different stages set up in the streets around the town, bands and artist from all over the world perform over the weekend. It is an amazing event, attended by approximately 100,000 people every year. And it's TOTALLY FREE. Everyone involved, from the people supplying the stages and lighting to the crowd control stewards and litter pickers all volunteer their time to help out. Local companies sponsor various aspects to ensure the event can go ahead such as policing and a great time is had by all. And far from damaging the music industry, it promotes it. Many of the bands and performs have used the festival to springboard themselves to better things and greater record sales.
So is free music bad for the industry? Well no, it's not. And there is one glaring thing that has not been addressed by the critics of Prince giving away his album. IT'S SHIT! Nobody in their right mind would part with money for it anyway so I'm guessing he's got a warehouse for of CD's to get rid of.
Monday 16th July 07
"SHARK..!!"
That's not the word you want to hear being shouted when you're down in Cornwall for a bit of surfing. Luckily for me I was not in the water and was standing on the cliffs watching the 25 foot shark gently cruising along the beach. From above you could see the size of it and the fact that it was a Baskin shark.
A Baskin sharks eat plankton and not other fish/humans/wellington boots, and are pretty harmless as they have no teeth. If it did get you, it would probably just suck you to death, like getting a love bite from Vanessa Felts.
However, I wondered how I would react if I had happened to be floating on my surfboard and someone was shouting "SHARK!". From eye level all you can see is the hugh dorsell fin sticking out of the water, and not being a marine biologist, like most people could not tell one shark fin from another.
I think that I would be paddling for shore like a paddle steamer with the boiler glowing red. That would be of course after I'd filled my wetsuit with the brown stuff. Can sharks smell fear? They say they can smell a drip of blood in the sea from miles away, so I think the poor thing would be gagging after I'd filled my shorts. At least that would make any potential shark think twice before taking a bite, though pulling the wetsuit off afterwards might be a bit messy.
Friday 13th July 07
Who stole the sun?
I would just like to say that I was really looking forward to this global warming thing. Warmer, milder climate in the UK, with the south east becoming more like southern France. OK, we might loose a few of the extremities to sea level rise, but lets face it, there are some seriously questionable sea-side towns around the UK, that could do with being wiped off the map.
However.... This global warming thing is nothing like the brochure suggests. Where the bloody hell has the sun gone. June has come and gone. we're half way through July and I'm buggered if I can remember a decent weekend for weeks! With all this talk of global warming, I wish it would just hurry up and get here.. Right I'm off to drive my 18 litre, turbo charged 4x4 for the 200 yard journey to the paper shop, while reving the nuts off it all the way! That should help!
Thursday 12th July 07
Captin Cave Man
Did anybody see the rather unusual of properties that went up for auction last week? Yes, that's the one. The cave in Worcestershire. A three roomed abode that is carved out of the side of a rock face. It has no heating, no electric, no window (that actually do the job of a window), no water and is damper than the undies in the front row of a Take That concert.
And the guide price for this splendid piece of idealic real estate. £25,000. This is madness you might think. Until that is that you realise that the price it actually sold for was £100,000 !!!! Now I know house prices are stupidly high, but the new resident of this little fixer-upper is absolutely BARKING MAD! I think Maybe Captin Caveman has decided to retire to deepest darkest Worcestershire.
Wednesday 11th July 07
Drought warning....!
I almost spat my coffee across the room this morning as some twat from the environment agency was talking on BBC News 24 about reservoir levels throughout the UK. Apparently reservoir levels in the south are not quite good enough to avoid possible hose pipe bans and drought orders in the south east! Obviously some cock has pulled the plug out of this blokes reservoir, cos last time I looked, half the country and it's lakes and rivers were overflowing.
I'm pretty sure there's a whole bunch of people in Hull that would be more than happy to give this guy a f**k load of the wet stuff. All he's got to do is get himself a pump and a bloody long hose pipe!
It just points out the amazing incompetence of the water companies.
Can you imagine going to the bank manager with this business idea.
Bank Manager: So you want to sell a product that appears for free by falling out the sky right into your lap, and then sell it to the whole country who cannot stay alive without buying it? Yippeee..... Have as much money as you like.. You can't loose!
Six months later:
Bank Manager: Are you f**king kidding? You're running out...!!! You're running out despite billions of tons of it falling out the f**king sky every single day! Right here's some more money. I suggest you use it to by a f**king bigger bucket!
Tuesday 10th July 07
Too much power?
This week I bought myself a chain saw. It has yet to be delivered, but I'm waiting for the knock at the door like a kid listerning for santa on Christmas eve. Now it has been asked by more than a couple of people why I need a chain saw. Some pointing out that I in fact live in Hitchin which is not exactly logging country, and akin to buying a sunbed when living in the Bahamas.
But this is not my ego at work here. I must point out that I am not buying this simply because electric jig saw's and power drills are not dangerous or powerful enough. No. This is a sensible purchase. A necessity. I need it. It's like an everyday essential piece of equipment. Like a can opener! You wouldn't have a kitchen and not have a can opener in it would you? That would be madness. It's the same thing with a chain saw. You can't have a garden shed without a petrol driven chain saw in it!
And what am I going to use this new addition to my arsenal for, you may well be thinking. Well it will be used for what it was designed for! Cutting up wood! I've got a new matchstick model to build. :)
Tuesday 3rd July 07
Joyride
Sixty years ago people all over the world were excited at the prospect that an alien spaceship had crash landed in Roswell New Mexico. The US military and government came out with various stories to explain the event, including a "Crashed Weather Balloon" and then about a test involving air force dummies.
So the conspiracy theory began about a government cover up which has been back and forth in the media for decades since, and had pretty much been confined to the history books as hoax or folk law. Until last week that is!
Lt Walter Haut died in 2005 and was one of those military staff who were intimately involved in the Roswell Incident of 1947, in fact he's the man who came up all the press releases trying to explain away the reports of eye-witnesses who claim to have seen the wreckage and alien bodies.
It turns out that before his died he swore an affidavit that was to be opened after his death. Last week that affidavit was opened and has re-opened the whole Roswell debate.
In it, Haut claims that as part of his job at the time, he had seen the alien bodies and the remains of the crashed space craft. His account of the incident matches that of the farmer who was the first to discover the wrecked spacecraft.
So, was he telling the truth or just having a laugh? I guess we'll never know for sure. But with scientists discovering so many new planets in adjoining solar systems that are potentially like earth, is it likely, with the apparent infinite size of the galaxy that we are really alone? Is it likely that a couple of alien teenagers stole the keys the their mum's spaceship and went burning off into a nearby galaxy for a bit of a joy ride?
Possibly their SATNAV got damaged and they took a wrong turn and mistakenly thought earth was there planet?
If there are aliens not to far away with a far advanced civilisation, are the parents gonna be pissed that we've towed their vehicle and buried their kids without so much as an inter stella email to let them know? If they do turn up and land outside No.10 for a chat with Gordon, are they likely to be friendly or looking for a fight? Would certainly make life a little more interesting and make a lot of religous leaders question their faith.
Tuesday 26th June 07
In a World of It's Own
When it comes to the American public's knowledge of the rest of the world, we all know that they can be more than a little lacking in the geographic location of any country.
However, I had expected that professionals within the US, particularly the media would have a little better knowledge of geography. Until I was looking at the CNN website earlier this week. When clicking upon the "Europe" news section, the top story was one about Australia's defence spending on a set of new war ships.
Now I am no expert when it comes the location of every country on this planet of ours, but I'm fairly certain that the last time I checked, Australia was pretty much as far away from Europe as possible, on the opposite side of the planet.
It's an easy mistake to make I suppose. Anyway, I'm off to Spain tomorrow, so I better pack some warm cloths. I think they have polar bears there, and I'm told you can feed the penguins.
Monday 25th June 07
Engineering
So the space shuttle Atlantis and it's crew made a safe return to earth the other day despite trouble finding a suitable landing window and location. In the end the Shuttle landed at Edwards Airforce base in the middle of the Movaie dessert in California, which is one of it's backup landing site. This is on the East coast of the US as opposed to it's normal landing site on the West coast at Kennedy Space Centre in Florida.
Now the space shuttle is one amazing piece of machinery and has to be right up there as one of, if not "the" most amazing machine on the planet. The engineering of this colossal machine is just staggering. For example the space shuttle has five main fuel pipes. Each fuel pipe is five inches in diameter and pumps fuel at a rate of an Olympic sized swimming pool every 10 seconds! And it has five of them! The sheer fact that engineers manage to control what equates the a massive explosion blasting out the arse of this thing and keep it's occupants alive sitting on the top is nothing short of staggering.
With this in mind, the reason for the change of landing site of Atlantis was the weather. Quote: "The shuttle is barred from landing in the rain due to potential damage to the thousands of ceramic tiles that protect it's underside from the seering heat of re-entry". Now these are the tiles that are designed to protect the shuttle from temperatures ranging as high as 3000 degrees. But I think they need to have a word with the engineers who designed them, as they are clearly buggered when it comes to water. What's that about? Have they created a material that can withstand a Bar BQ on the Sun, but is f**ked when it rains? I think RailTrack use the same stuff to make the railway lines.
Comments Added:
Asta:
Oi!
1) Rail Track doesn't exist anymore
2) Network rail don't manufacture the rails
3) we're trying our best!
PS I'm coming home next week so see you at the show and shine!
Nutty Prof writes:
Blimey Asta... Are you actually admitting to working for Network Rail? Bit of a daredevil are ya? Don't you have some company policy about putting yourself in danger. You know, like Glaxo employees hiding their identity due to animal rights nutters, except it's Network Rail and human beings..... lol.. :)
Asta:
Absolutely! But I work on the overheadlines, I can't derail trains!
Nutty Prof writes:
Strickly electrocuting people for you then... like it. Much more civilised
Sunday 24th June 07
What a Turn On!
Driving home in my van the other day, I arrived outside my house and dually parked the van in it's spot and turned off the ignition. Now it's fair to say I was a little tired and so more than a bit confused by my momentary departure from the world of reality. I was sitting in the drivers seat with the ignition key in my hand, all the lights on the dashboard turned off, and yet the engine was still running. Luckily I did not take my foot off the clutch, other wise I would have ended up watching TV through my front windscreen while parked in my neighbours front room.
Putting it in neutral and making sure the handbrake was firmly on, I sat for a moment wondering how to turn the engine off. I put the key back in the ignition and turned it on. The lights on the dashboard all lit up as they should. I then turned it off. Dashboard lights went out and engine was still running. Ah Bugger..!! How much of an electric shock do you get when trying to disconnect a car battery with the engine still running? Well it sounds pretty painful to me and I didn't fancy finding out, and so thought of what I could do.....?????.....?????
I could wait for it to run out of fuel I suppose. I did a few quick calculations and realised that with half a tank of fuel which would normally do about 250 miles at 80mph, I would be sitting here at tick over until two weeks next Thursday. Now I've got good bladder control, but I don't think even I could last that long.
Thankfully, after waggling the ignition key back and forth for ten minutes the engine finally turned off. Suffice to say I have just purchased a new ignition switch that I will be fitting later today.
Saturday 23rd June 07
Just the One!
One shoe.
Why do you always see just one shoe. You know. When you're driving along the motorway or anywhere, you always see a shoe on the side of the road.
What the hell is that about? Is someone driving up and down the UK, chucking individual shoes out their car windows. Either that or there are a lot of very absent minded, clumsy one legged people walking (hopping) around in socks! (sorry… Sock)
Friday 22nd June 07
Sorry!
Appologies for my lack of activity on this blog, but I've been away on holiday in Cornwall. Back on track again now..
Wednesday 6th June 07
Olympic Logo
Am I getting old, or is that the worst sorry arse excuse for a logo you have ever seen? It looks like it was designed by Timmy Mallet, while temporarily blinded from a three week crack binge session sitting on top of the No.1 reactor at Chernobyl.
Whatever design agency got given thousands of pounds of tax payers money to come up with that Bag-o-Shite must be laughing their heads off all the way to the bank.
And to top it all, they have just had to pull part of the animated version of the logo as it can cause fits in those with Epilepsy. Well it's not just people who suffer from Epilepsy that it makes sick. Makes me want to say hello to the lasagna I had last night, just looking at it.
The Olympic committee must be made up of a bunch of blind neanderthals from the dribble bus, stuck back in the 1980's for approving that design. I don't think I have seen a single positive comment about it from anyone.
Somebody said it looks like a woman with a big head performing oral sex on someone.
Class!
Comments Added:
Asta:
Someone told me it looks like lisa simpson performing oral sex and now I think about that ever time I see it!
Wednesday 30th May 07
Updating My Life
Well it's been a while since I added to this blog. I've just been so busy of late, I don't know my arse from my elbow. I have been toying with the idea of updating my wheels for quite a while now and an oppertunity came about and I just thought "Yer..why not".
To put it another way, I decided it was time for a change of vehicle and said good bye to Mr Mean Green T25 and Hello to Homer. Homer is my new VW T4 van. It was instantly named by my better half as she followed me home after picking it up. It's called Homer as it is yellow, and has DOH! as part of the number plate.
So why have I gone all modern? Well I think I must be getting old. It's a turbo diesel so very economical as a daily driver and Sooooooooo comfortable to drive. And with the price of Splits and Bays heading skyward, T25's have become the next van to have, meaning prices are rising faster than a celebrity boob job. So, liking to jump ahead of the pack slightly, I've gone for a T4, of which there is now a growing following I might add.
For those who curse me for leaving behind my aircooled roots, I utter the wise words of Bart Simpson. "Eat My Shorts!".
Tuesday 15th May 07
Carbon Emissions
Some of you may have seen the front page story of newspapers in the last couple of days about CO 2 emissions.
Basically, it states that in the next 24 hours, deforestation will release as much CO 2 into the atmosphere as 8 million people flying from London to New York. And yet Governments around the world still batter the motorist and airline industry about CO 2 emissions while they have no plans to tackle the logging companies producing these huge amounts of CO 2 by their slash and burn techniques.
Deforestation accounts for 25% of global emissions, compared to 3% that transport is responsible for. It is so bad that in the next four years alone, more CO 2 will be released by deforestation than every single flight in aviation history and future flights up to 2025.
The columns of smoke rising from the rainforests are so large they can be seen 24hrs a day from space, and yet no government is talking about stopping this practise.
Stopping this deforestation is the easiest way to cut CO 2 emissions, as there are no complicated technologies to develop, no billions in research to create CO 2 scrubbers or catalytic converters, and yet still it goes on.
Instead of spending billions on developing ways to improve technology, just use the money to pay the people in countries where rainforests are, to protect the forest rather than chop it down. Make the trees more valuable standing up than they make from cutting them down.
Makes sense to me, and cut global CO 2 emmissions by 25%.
Tuesday 8th May 07
Everything is speeding up
A recent study by a scientist with way to much time on his hands came to the conclusion that we as a species are speeding up. The study concluded that the walking pace within cities has increase 10% in ten years. We are walking 10% faster in our daily movements than we did ten years ago. It's strange really, as you would think that with the advent of technologies capable of providing us with everything we need at the touch of a button, we would be slowing down.
You no longer have to run back to the office to make that important phone call as you have a phone in your pocket. You don't have to get home quick to catch the news as you can watch it anytime on the Internet. You don't have to rush to the post office before it closes to pay your bills, as you can pay them over the phone or online. Rushing home like a madman to catch that great movie on the box is no longer an issue with the introduction of On Demand TV, so why are we speeding up?
Sony pictures has announced that it will be providing three to seven minute movies of it's classic TV series. They have condensed entire episodes of Starsky and Hutch into 3 minutes and the 77 hours of The Sopranos series into 7 minutes. These "minisodes" as they are called are aimed at the "YouTube" generation, with minimal dialogue, and plot. A chase scene, punch up, and resolution all at breakneck speed, providing the viewer with a quick fix.
We are all guilty to some extent or another of speeding up. I know I am. But why? Is it the feeling that there is now so much to do in life that you have to try and fit it all in before you become too old to experience it? Are we going to end up with a next generation of people running around like they're on acid; with the attention span of a gnat and the emotional stability of a box of rats in a meth lad fire! I guess only time will tell.
Comments Added:
Darren:
Quote " ..a next generation of people running around like they're on acid; with the attention span of a gnat and the emotional stability of a box of rats in a meth lad fire!"
You have met my Year 9 maths class then!
Monday 7th May 07
Death of a Rally
This years Gumball rally has been called off by Maximillion Cooper (the organiser) due to the death of a 67 year old man and critical injuries to his wife when a Porsche driven by two British entrants was in collision with their VW golf.
So is this the end of the famous road race now in it's tenth year? I guess the answer to that question will come if and when next years event appears. Although they may have a lot of trouble organising another race as several countries, Turkey being one, refused to allow the race onto their roads sighting the safety of other road users as the reason. It turns out they were right to be concerned judging by recent events.
There are some that say the race should be banned as it is too dangerous, but that would be a shame and stupid really, as if is banned, it will simply go underground and become more of an issue. It's good to see these cars doing what they were essentially designed to do, and yet where do you draw the line. Is the pursuit of fun and excitement justified if it results in the death of a bystander? "No" would be the immediate answer of most people. But is that a knee jerk reaction based on emission?
In 1955 Switzerland banned all forms of motor sport after a Mercedes race car left the track, became airbourne and disintegrated over the crowd killing 82 people including the driver; Pierre Levegh. As a result they have the best motor sport safety record in the world. Because they have no motor sport. They also have no car industry. Motor sport drives the technology of the car industry. The new technologies are pioneered in motor sport before ending up in the family saloon trudging around the M25.
As I've babbled on about before. The nature of technology and advancement is dangerous. We invent new ways to go faster, smoother, quieter, and then immediately ban the very processes that produce these advancements. The old adage of "you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs" seems way too trivial when talking about death, but it still rings true.
Friday 4th May 07
10 Year Proposal
The European Union has put forward proposals to ban all cars over ten years old from our roads. This has been backed up for the last six months by a trial in a German city banning cars over ten years old entering the city centre. The whole idea being older cars are less fuel efficient that new cars. So will the proposal ever get into law. No. Never. Not a chance in hell. For a start you would be instantly making thousands of people unemployed who work in the used car parts market. Everyone from paint sprayers to classic car insurance companies would go bust overnight. Not to mention there would be a pile of old cars the size of Ireland rotting away. So much for recycling!
There is a petition on the Government web site against this proposal, but I haven't signed it because the whole proposal is just too ludicrous to even contemplate.
Wednesday 2nd May 07
Carbon Footprint
If I hear another idiot on the TV banging on about our carbon footprint I'm gonna kill someone. Yes I agree that as a society we need to do something about the amount of waist we produce and become a lot more efficient in our consumption of everything. Not just energy.
However, the use of "The carbon footprint" argument as a club to beat cars with as the evil that is increasing our carbon footprint is simply media manipulation and Government spin.
Did you know that if every single car on the road in the UK had it's engine changed to a 2.4 litre petrol engine, the impact to the total carbon footprint of the country would be bugger all. To be precise it would be an increase of 0.6%. And yet still the Government aims for the car as the evil and conveniently forgets the fact that the largest producer of Carbon Dioxide in this country is the power stations that are 68% owned by……..wait for it.. yep. The Government.
Hypocrisy in the extreme!
So what is your carbon footprint? The question is actually completely meaningless, as there are simply too many variables to calculate.
For example: I want to work out the carbon footprint of my turd! To work this out, I need to know the following:
- What I have eaten the previous day.
- What packaging the food I eat was made of.
- The industrial process that forms the particular packaging.
- Was the food produced locally or was carbon created in the transportation of the food.
- Were the ingredients of the food transported by ship from the other side of the world, pumping out Carbon Dioxide on its journey to the UK.
- Do the workers who made to food drive big 4x4s to work or do they use bicycles?
- Was the food refrigerated, using up power? If so how long has it been refrigerated and was that refrigerator run on renewable energy resources?
The trouble is, all this is completely meaningless because there are just too many variables. It's like trying to figure out which way a dog, mad on rabies will run when let off the lead in the middle of the New Orleans Mardi Gras. The mad thing is that this carbon footprint argument is being used to say this is good and this is bad, without consideration of the whole picture.
For example: older cars produce more carbon dioxide so should be banned. BUT if you drive a car that is 30 years old, you have not purchased a new car every ten years. As the production of a new car produces more carbon dioxide than the car will ever pump out in its lifetime, you have cut carbon emissions!
The same could be said about recycling. Did you know that it takes nearly double the amount of energy to recycle glass as it does to make it from scratch. The only reason it's recycled is because it's a political issue, and as we know politics is rarely based on logic.
For the record, my turd has a carbon footprint of 0.9. But it also produces a few other noxious gases. My better half would be happy to testify to this.
Tuesday 1st May 07
Fat Kids
A child protection group has announced that it is concerned about the advertising of junk food directed at children on the Internet. As the TV is now banned/policed as far as junk food and targeting children is concerned, the do gooder's are now gunning for the Internet.
The trouble is, they are never going to win this fight, because even if laws are brought in dictating that junk food adverts must be banned on the internet, it won't make a blind bit of difference because the internet is not UK based. It is international. When you look at a UK website such as a high street shopping chain, the chances are that the server (computer) where that website is actually based in not in the UK, and thus not governed by UK law. So any adverts on that site cannot be banned under UK law despite being accessed in the UK.
So I've solved to problem. Instead of putting all this effort into going after fast food companies, advertisers and blaming others for your kids being fat, just take away the Playstations, switch off the TV and actually go and spend some time with your kids outside in the real world. How about going for a run?
Monday 30th April 07
Smoking Ban
So all the population who find solis in their filter tipped buddies will be swearing through their teeth come 1st July as the smoking ban comes into force for England and Wales. Just about every public place and workplace must now ban smoking. A location is deemed a workplace if two or more people are there. So even the cab of a truck is classed as a work place if they have two drivers. Car fleet companies supplying company cars are now issuing their vehicles with "No Smoking" stickers on the dashboards as if you use a company car and ever give a lift to a colleague; that counts as a workplace.
So the only place you can now smoke is in your own home and believe it or not, on an oil rig! Yep, Oil Rigs are exempt from the smoking ban. You know, those giant platforms pumping billions of tons of flammable liquids, hundreds of miles from the nearest fire brigade.
Tuesday 24th April 07
Road Development Kills
A recent article in The Times discussed the fact that road crashes are set to overtake HIV-Aids by 2015 as the main cause of death and disability for children aged 5-14 in developing countries.
They stated that international aid being spent on road building (of which Britain is a major contributor) in third world countries was "raising the volume and speed of traffic". Thus meaning 24 Africans out of every 100,000 die in road traffic accidents and the main road out of La Paz, Bolivia is the most dangerous in the world with 200-300 deaths per year.
Due to this, the World Bank ordered that 10% of the road-building budget in the third world should be spent on safety measures such as crash barriers and proper pavements. That's great in principle, but will never happen.
When the M1 motorway was built, there were no crash barriers, and no speed limits. The Lotus formula 1 team used to test their cars by racing them up and down it! Unfortunately progress and advancement is dangerous. Now you could say that we should impose our wisdom on other nations as we have the knowledge and experience to guide them. But it's like trying to tell your kids what's best for them. "Don't drink or do drugs!" "But dad! You were a piss head at my age, weren't you?"
At the end of the day, you have to let them make their own mistakes. You can offer advice, but it's their choice.
Monday 23rd April 07
Who to Believe?
So yet another report into the effectiveness of speed cameras has been published on behalf of the government in the last few days saying that they have cut road injuries and deaths by 40%. The problem is that the company that owns the speed cameras commissioned this particular report for the government. So there's not really a conflict of interest there then is there? I'm sure they wouldn't have any bias on the results.
Alternatively only one day later another report was published claiming that there has been next to know change in the accident rate since speed cameras have been introduced, and here's why.
Instead of using official police statistics on road accidents alone, they decided to cross-reference the statistics with hospital accident and emergency records. The difference was alarming. The number of people treated in hospital for road traffic accidents was almost exactly double that of the police records. Now it couldn't be that the government is trying massage the figure in their favour could it?
Another aspect of the government report detailed the criteria which dictates the siting of a speed camera. They say that there has to have been three accidents at the location in which people either died or received life changing injuries. In London they say the criteria is even higher, with four accidents having to take place before a camera is installed.
But the trouble is, what is a life changing injury. Is a broken arm a life changing injury? How about a concussion? Is that really going to change your life, or are you more likely to be back to your normal self once healed? Well these injuries have been counted and used to justify the siting of speed cameras. In one incident, a man jumping off a bridge over the road was included as justification. Admittedly he died, but it wouldn't have mattered what speed the traffic was doing, he was still strawberry jam when he hit the tarmac headfirst.
Other incidents include a car breaking down on the hard shoulder and someone crashing into the back of them. Just because they broke down at that particular point does not mean it's an accident black spot. They could have broken down anyway, which means anywhere can be classed as an accident black spot. In fact, my driveway needs a speed camera, as there is frequently a broken down car on it!
The other issue highlighted in the report was the fact that less than half of all speed camera fines are ever paid. This is because a minority of people commit the majority of offences. These are the people who do not register their cars properly under their own names, or at their correct address, have no insurance, etc and are therefore untraceable. So as is the norm in this country, it is only the law-abiding citizens who actually register their vehicles correctly that pay the price. The people who respect the law are paying for the misdemeanours of a minority. And this is precisely why speed cameras do not work! They cannot actually catch the prolific bad drivers.
Tuesday 17th April 07
Hello Officer
When sedately driving about the roads of the UK, it is pretty much inevitable that at one time our another in your driving life, you will be stopped by a police officer. Whether it be a routine stop, a spot check, or being stopped for speeding or driving like an idiot, what should you say to Mr policeman? Or more to the point, what should you not say?
Sometimes when you get pulled over, it may not be apparent why. In this case the officer's first words to you should be a clue.
For example, if you are stopped by an officer who makes the following comments, the chances are you were speeding.
- "Morning Wing commander. Having trouble with the take off?"
- "Sorry for pulling you into the pits Mr Schmacher".
There are of course many replies to the usual text book comments that the traffic officer may come out with, these are some unwise ones.
- "Do you know what speed you were going Sir?" , "The same as you officer"
- After a 5 mile sprint. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Giving you a chance officer"
- "Is this your car Sir?" "Don't you think I'd have knicked something a bit better if it wasn't"
- "What's with all the gaffa tape over your wheel arches Sir?" "Just adds the The Look officer"
- "Who do you think you are? Nigel Mansell?" "No, he's a bit old. I think I'm more of a Jensen Button"
- "I've been following you speeding for 4 miles trying to keep up. Do you normally drive like that?" "No it's a bit damp today so I'm taking it steady"
- "Do you know what speed you were doing Sir?" " No I was too busy trying to get some twat in a Volvo off my arse"
Monday 16th April 07
Speed Record
So the French (cheese eating surrender monkeys) managed to break the speed record for a train on rails, smashing the existing 321mph with a record of 356.8mph. That's only a few MPH short of the overall train speed record held by the Japanese Bullet train which runs on magnets.
As much as I knock the French (mainly because they are an easy target) I have to admire this record attempt for the simple reason that it could not happen in the UK. Not for the obvious reason as the rail workers in the UK seem to forget to bolt the rails together properly, but because of the excitement and fun killing element based in the UK. Namely The Health and Safety Executive.
Could you imagine the conversation with the Health and Safety bloke when he asks if you've made any modifications to the train that may make it dangerous.. "Yes we've put in a larger more powerful motor in it. We've had to make stronger re-enforced rails for it to run on. . We've put on over sized wheels to help it go even faster. We'll have to draw an extra blast of electricity from the power grid to get the power to drive the huge motor, and we're going to broadcast it live on TV. And we'll be encouraging the population to flock to the track-side to watch the 150 ton train speed by at 350mph.
In the UK the reply would be "NO. NEVER". In fact you may as well be asking to play Russian Roulette with a nuclear bomb in Trafalgar Square. But somehow the French managed to distract the Health and Safety nutters, assorted environmental activists and lock them all up in a box for the day, while they had a play with their latest train set. Good luck to em I say!
There was a time (a long time ago in a galaxy far far away) when the UK was ahead of the world in developing trains plane and automobiles. We held just about every record that could be held and even began inventing new one's just so there was a target to aim at.
But now in this age of wrapping up the population in cotton wool and banning everything that might be a tiny bit hazardous, we have lost that world leading edge. To be the best you have to push the boundaries, which can be dangerous. Unfortunatel | |
